So, you’ve had the 6-week clearance from your doctor and you’ve read all the articles that tell you it’s time to do the horizontal tango.
But, now you’re questioning – will it feel different to what it used to?
There’s a WHOLE lot to unpack with this question, so let’s break it down into bite-sized pieces.
Chapter 1: Will it feel different the first time I have s3x postpartum?
Probably. A recent study has found that 90% of women experience pain the first time they had sex postpartum – regardless of whether it was a vaginal birth or a caesarean. We will never advocate for painful sex at Core Restore Co, so if you’re uncomfortable – stop and try something different.
If you’re breastfeeding, your estrogen levels are lower – which can cause vaginal dryness – so, consider lube an absolute essential.
If you’ve had tearing or vaginal trauma, take things slow. Please don’t feel pressured into having penetrative sex before you feel like your body is ready. Regardless of whether you had a small graze or an episiotomy, scar tissue can form. Scar tissue is more sensitive and tighter than normal skin tissue, which means when it’s stretched during penetration, it can be uncomfortable or painful. Before you get intimate with a partner, consider getting familiar with your new, powerful body – touch the skin around your vulva to understand the new sensations you may experience. If penetration is intimidating to you, consider a sex toy to use solo first – this will allow you to be in total control of penetration before you try intercourse with someone.
Chapter 2: I’m freaking out about the thought of sex postpartum.
You are not alone in this feeling, mama. Start by removing societal time pressures around when you ‘should’ start having sex.
Next, redefine what ‘sex’ is. It’s not just about traditional penetration, it’s about anything that arouses you – masturbation, deep kissing, intimate massage, oral sex and role play all count.
Don’t force things. Fear creates muscle tension and when it comes to penetration, your body requires you to relax. If you can’t relax, or you’re feeling pain, don’t force yourself. Stop, re-evaluate, and try something different (maybe opt for an intimate massage instead).
Chapter 3: Will my partner (male) notice a difference?
It’s not just women who notice a change in sex postpartum – but male partners can too. I love this quote from Sexuality of the Couple in Postpartum & Early Parenthood,
“Women can feel pressure from their partners to engage in sexual intercourse after birth. In particular in couples with a limited sexual repertoire. For example, when sexual activity and orgasm are strongly associated with penetrative sex.”
Ultimately, the authors go on to explain that complacency and pressure for sexual intercourse comes when people have their mindset on ‘penis in the vagina’ intercourse (called penetration imperative). There are so many other ways to have sexual pleasure and if your (and your partner’s) goal is climax, there are many other ways to get there.
Now, back to changes that a male partner may experience. Research shows that your male partner may also experience a lack of desire or libido in the weeks and months postpartum, so they may also not be as interested in sex. Another important point is that research shows 55% of women experience vaginal looseness postpartum which may change the sensations during penetration. Vaginal laxity can improve in the months postpartum and often pelvic floor strengthening is recommended to help with vaginal looseness, but it’s important to get personalised advice.
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References
Khajehei, M., Ziyadlou, S., Safari, R. M., Tabatabaee, H., & Kashefi, F. (2009). A Comparison of Sexual Outcomes in Primiparous Women Experiencing Vaginal and Caesarean Births. Indian Journal of Community Medicine : Official Publication of Indian Association of Preventive & Social Medicine, 34(2), 126-130. https://doi.org/10.4103/0970-0218.51237
Khwepeta et al (2018), ‘Childbirth fear and related factors among pregnant and postpartum women in Malawi’, BMC Pregnancy Childbirth, 18(391).
O’Malley, D., Higgins, A., Smith, V. (2023). Sexuality of the Couple in Postpartum and Early Parenthood (1st Year). In: Geuens, S., Polona Mivšek, A., Gianotten, W. (eds) Midwifery and Sexuality. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-031-18432-1_8
